[Semi-inspired by Daymian's "Two Words: Shut the Hell Up"]
Frosted tips
manicured nails
Teetering on
Nine West stilettos
With no name
cereal boxes
I see you,
Walmart Bitches
Empty brains
empty lives
You can dress up
a pig, but it still
oinks
[Might follow up with "You're a Godd----ed Liar, Bill O'Reilly]
AH, ha!
ReplyDeletea clever, damning, contemporary, ouchy-fun poem! and i LOVE that it was inspired by Daymian's poem—that's the ultimate: to have inspiration get contagious!
i have just a thought or a half to share as a way of thinking/hoping to transform this potentially one-liner-like ha-ha poem to a real thunker:
a. such a short piece doesn't really need to repeat any energy, so i'd encourage you to replace the Walmart Bitches line with oinkers, which will also allow the one-trick ending to evolve into something like "but it still / wears shit" or "still / rolls in filth" or something, eh? it can become more of a commentary on the whole sitch.
b. the line "Empty brains / empty lives" feels a little heavy-handed. what you say about conveying this punch through objects, again, like "Vanity Fair / 30% off cover price" or "discount candy / value-brand birthday cards"? some kinda objects that imply vacuousness, nutritionlessness, dumbness.
this little ditty has the power to electrocute, but it just needs a little more voltage, a little less resistance.
It always seems like the weirdest people show up at Walmart, I mean of course the strange outfits they wear. There's actually a website or something dedicated to pictures of people that shop at Walmart! Anways, I find your poem interesting, and it's rad that you wrote it inspired by someone else!
ReplyDeleteLeave me out of your poetry, I won't have it.
ReplyDeleteActually naw, who doesn't get bothered by Walmart bitches?
Normally I'd get into things but I'm lazy today so I just went ahead and reworded a part without bothering to explain myself.
Full baskets
empty lives
You can dress up
a pig, but it still
oinks